Five Ways to Beat the Monotony of Masturbation in Quarantine

I’ll be the first to tell you, I can only see so much porn and then I’m just about immune to it. At any other time in our existence that’s easy for me to say because I work around this stuff day in and day out. Most people – most “normal people,” anyway – however, aren’t exposed to it as much as I am. Well, that is, in our normal setting, under normal circumstances, but right now, the whole world is in lockdown due to the coronavirus pandemic and many of you are sitting in front of your computers or phones with your dicks (or pussies) in your hands, getting off to even more porn than I see in a typical day. But like me, it’s easy to get bored of it after a while; to become immune to it. If it hasn’t happened to you already, it might.

You can only masturbate to so many things, and you can only do it so many ways. After a while, even masturbation gets boring. Day in and day out, two-, three-, four-, five times a day or more, it can quickly get old, leaving you anxious, unsatisfied …frustrated. You ultimately find yourself feeling lonely, like a total loser in isolation; hoping, wishing for more; begging the Universe to miraculously drop some real pussy in your lap, or to shove a real dick in your mouth, for a change; ; wondering, begging the Almighty for a better way to get off.

Well, I polled some of my most deviant and perverted friends to ask them for new, creative – and safe – ways to beat the monotony of masturbation during quarantine. We’re not talking humping your pillow or fucking a sock, here. These off-beaten-off-path masturbation “tactics” aren’t for everyone. They may not even be for anyone other than my horny, sick and twisted friends, but if nothing else, it’s entertaining.

The Sleepy Joe – sit on your hand until it falls asleep. Once it’s numb and can’t feel anything, start masturbating with it. It will feel like someone else’s hand. This is a great way to cure the loneliness. As the blood starts rushing back to it and it begins to feel prickly, sit on it again until it goes numb again, and continue until you get off.

Cantaloupe Caligula – forget about costly sex toys like pocket pussies. If you don’t already have one, ordering one online from the SCREW SEX SHOP isn’t going to help you right now. But a quick run to the “essential” grocery store will! Buy yourself a nice juicy cantaloupe (or other in-season melon like a honeydew or watermelon), bring it home, cut a tight, little hole in it and fuck it like you’re mouth-fucking some dirty whore (with a lovely, fruity scent). If you’re feeling particularly deviant, draw a face on it or put a wig on it.

The ‘ol Veg-in-the-Vag kind of goes without saying; girls have been shoving cucumbers, carrots and parsnips and myriad other veggies up their twats and getting-off for years, but Produce Up the Pooper is only recently becoming popular, especially in the European countries, and it’s something everyone can enjoy. Guys, don’t be afraid of a little ass-play – you’re in fucking isolation, anyway, so who’s going to know – lube yourself up a nice carrot (or other skinny vegetable–start skinny if you have to), shove it up your bunghole and start probing for the prostate. You’ll learn a secret women and gay men have known for years – an ass-gasm can be quite extraordinary; euphoric, even. All that and it’s a completely vegan experience, too. (It’s always nice to do your part for the environment.) And when you’re done, you can always wash them off and cook them for dinner. Just kidding. Not that I’d mind a salad of veggies that have been slammed up a pretty pussy. But up the ass? No thanks.

MacGyver Vibrators – Try looking around the house for unique things to use for vibrators. Guys, vibrators are just for women. Running a vibrator around your balls, up and down your shaft, or even around your asshole can be quite exhilarating. Things like the handle of an electric toothbrush or the body of a noise-hair trimmer or stream-lined clipper, can double as vibrators for both men and women. Lube them up and fuck yourself with them, too! (Just be careful of the moving parts. Ouch.)

(OK, this photo is creepy as fuck!)

The DIY Sex Doll – why spend a fortune on a life-sized sex doll when you can simply build your own? Just like you build a dummy for Halloween, find some clothes, stuff them with towels and other clothes, and fashion it all together into your own fuckable sex partner. You can make a hunky guy doll with guy clothes or sexy girl doll with girl clothes. (Yoga pants work great.) If you have a kink for stockings or nylons, you can pull those over your new lovedoll’s legs, too. Take it a step further and use a cantaloupe for a head so you can fuck it’s mouth, too! (See #2.) There’s so much you can do with this one if you really focus your dirty, little mind on all the possibilities. Shit, you can even build TWO dolls and have your own quarantine threesome!

Of course this isn’t a complete list of creative masturbation techniques; the Internet is riddled with them. These are just some whacky suggestions offered-up by my perverted pals. (They act like they act like they just “came up” with these ideas out of the blue, but you and I both know they wouldn’t have suggested them had they not put them to practice.) Anyway, try them out, or not, that’s up to you. Or simply Google, “creative masturbation,” for more ideas to beat the monotony of masturbation during this often times lonely pandemic.

– P.

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